just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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