I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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