We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
