I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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