Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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