3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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