my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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