Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
