I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
