I can tuck mytits in my pants
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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