Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
