Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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