I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
