You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
