MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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