really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
