Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
