you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
