my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
