i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
