just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
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