i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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