I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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