He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
