So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
