I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
