and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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