That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
