So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
