well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
