Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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