i don't like sucking hair
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
