Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
