Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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