I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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