***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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