if i can run in heels then i can drive
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
