When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
