Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
