dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
