mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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