Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
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