i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
