I CAN MOONWALK!
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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