Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
