I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
