she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
