Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
