Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
