you didnt know i had herpes?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
