why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
