Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
